omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you made out with another girl for some wings
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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