roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
