my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
