dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
