2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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