phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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