sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
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Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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