I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
