How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
