i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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