The maid of honor just puked.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
