My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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