Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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