i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
