I'm gonna have a badass scar
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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