My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
