I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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