So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My life is pants optional.
Randomize