I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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