ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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