My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
