i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
