I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
