Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
