did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
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he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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