You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
