Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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