i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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