Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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