So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
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I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
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Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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