Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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