Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
