Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
