Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
