My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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