mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
