He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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