I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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