i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
