I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
