I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
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You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
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i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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