He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
