masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
