So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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