Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
