She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
