Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
