I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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