WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
