We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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