i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
