Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
