i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Pooping to opera.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
