if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
