ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
