he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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